A man, Sir, should keep his friendship in constant repair. – Samuel Johnson

Researchers at the University of Maryland have mapped the geography of male friendship. The findings shed light on what makes friendships tick and why they are important.

The study is based on interviews with 386 men from diverse backgrounds. Participants ranged in age from 21 to 85 years. Researchers also interviewed 122 women to get a female perspective on same-sex friendships.

Sociologist Geoffrey Greif has explored his study in a warm and compelling book, Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships (Oxford University Press). Dr. Greif is an award-winning scholar and teacher. He is a professor in the school of social work at the University of Maryland. This is his tenth book.

To find out more, AHB reached Dr. Greif in Baltimore, Maryland.

Ruth Dempsey: In the book we meet guys you’ve played poker with for more than 40 years. What keeps you connected?

Geoffrey Greif: Friendships that stretch back this long often run on autopilot, and some of these wax and wane as interests ebb and flow. For example, if I start playing golf, it might enhance my relationship with one guy at the game and hurt it with another if it draws me away from him.

RD: Why talk to participants about their fathers’ friendships?

GG: Often men do not take the time to think about their upbringing. So they may be unconsciously repeating unhealthy patterns. I recommend men think about the messages learned from their fathers and whether they actively want to emulate them or attempt other ways of interacting. And, not just with their male friends, but with their
children and significant other, also. Bottom line: men need friends both for themselves and to serve as role models for their children.

RD: You break friendship down into four categories.

GG: That’s right. The closest friends I call MUST friends. These are people you must call if something extraordinary happens to you – a death in the family or winning the lottery.

For example, Tab, a 60-year-old white administrator described a close or must friend this way: “Close friends are there for you in adversity, in family situations and at work. They listen and offer information that is based on their own experiences, or they just listen and say nothing, which is also good at times.”

The second and larger group of friends is your TRUST friends. You trust them. You like them every time you see them, but you don’t always travel in the same circle as they do.
You may or may not make specific plans to see them, but whenever you run into them, you feel close to them.

Your RUST friends are your old high school or college friends. You see them every so often and they bring back old memories, like at reunions. Some of these become your MUST or your TRUST friends, but many are just people you have known for many years and with whom you may not feel especially close.

Finally, JUST friends are acquaintances – people at work you have lunch with if you see them, perhaps, but you do not feel especially close with them.

These groupings can help us understand our interactions with people, and help us figure out who we want to get closer with and who we want to keep at arm’s length.

RD: The men talked about the importance of being understood.

GG: Yes, when we asked 386 men how they defined friendships, being understood was the quality most often mentioned. Men like friends, or wing men, who “have their back.” They want to feel they are understood and that the guy will stand up for them when they need a friend.

Trust, loyalty and dependability are also big-ticket items. As Arnold, a 41-year old electrician put it, “You can count on them, on a moral basis, more than anything else. They are going to be there for you if you need them, and you do not have to jump through hoops.”

RD: Do men feel they have enough friends?

GG: This is a hard question to answer. Some men we interviewed said one good friend was enough for them. Others needed a lot more social stimulation and liked having friends for different activities.

RD: Mick is in his 50s. He is excited about his new online friend. How important are online friendships?

GG: It varies from one person to the next. Some need to check in with friends to stay in the loop. Others share more on-line than they do in person so this form of communication can benefit them a great deal.

RD: And Donald enjoys going to the local senior center. It seems older men need spaces to hang out . . .

GG: That’s right. Without places to go, men’s ability to socialize is greatly hindered. Men, in general, like to get together with friends and do things. They have shoulder-to-
shoulder relationships while women have face-to-face relationships. Women feel more comfortable sitting and talking with their friends.

Donald is divorced. He has been going to the center for 10 years, since he was 60, when he retired as a construction engineer. He goes there for lunch. He plays tennis and basketball. He plays pool and watches movies with his TV friends. Outside the center, Donald likes to hunt and fish. He also likes to read.

RD: Men have the capacity to form significant relationships late in life, but they usually don’t . . .

GG: Men often put great stock in their long-term relationships. When they get together with their high school friends, they are 16 again. But as we age, friends move away or die. Men are reluctant to make new friends because they compare them to their old friends. New friends can never match old friends in the ways they make us feel because they cannot bring back our youth.

At the same time, research shows people with friends live longer and healthier lives. So men (and women) must stay open to making new friends as we lose the old ones.

RD: Finally, what tips do you have for men looking to make new friends?

GG: I certainly got a lot of tips from the more than 500 men and women we interviewed for Buddy System. Here’s four:

1. Get involved in activities that are important and fun to you. Events and activities are good places to meet people, be it across the chessboard, at the house of worship or on the basketball court.

2. Stay open to meeting new people and be outgoing when new people are around.

3. Learn from the book that being a good friend means listening and accepting people, being trustworthy, dependable and loyal. If you are having trouble making friends, maybe your expectations and actions are not conveying these qualities.

4. Finally, think about your own family’s history and how that might affect what you are looking for in friends.

A new study has found that the Red Hat Society (RHS) enables members to manage stress and to better cope with challenging life transitions.

The study, led by Dr. Susan Hutchinson of Dalhousie University (Halifax, Nova Scotia), examined benefits that women gained through membership in the organization. The study included 272 women, from 51 to 80 years of age.

The study findings were published in the journal Aging & Society (Vol. 28, 2008).

The Red Hat Society

The Red Hat Society is an international social organization of women aged 50 years and older. These “hot and spicy ladyz” pride themselves on having fun. They show up at social gatherings sporting purple outfits with eye-catching red hats and glitzy jewelry. The Red Hatters are inspired by author Jenny Joseph’s poem Warning which opens with the lines, “When I am an old woman I shall wear purple/ With a red hat which doesn’t go and doesn’t suit me.”

Today, the society boasts one million members in 41,000 local chapters, spread across 30 countries, including Canada. Some chapters cap membership at 10 to 15 members. Others do not set a limit. Membership includes single, married, divorced and widowed women with varied personal and professional backgrounds.

Beyond fun and friendship

According to the study, many participants turned to the society to gain relief from chronic stressors such as caregiving responsibilities, debilitating illness or the death of a loved one.

Supportive environment: The study found membership in the society helped participants in several ways. Most importantly, the RHS offered women a supportive environment.

On a practical level, the Red Hatters shared information and transportation to medical appointments, for example. On an emotional level, they offered comfort in times of crisis.
As one participant put it, “I recently lost my best friend of 29 years to cancer. . . . The love and support of my fellow chapter members has kept me going and helped me cope with the loss.”

In fact, some Red Hat chapters that formed initially “just for fun” morphed into social-support networks, as members faced crises of various sorts.

One woman explained:

Originally we formed the group to keep in touch with our friends and have some fun; however, the purpose changed somewhat when a couple of our members faced life-threatening illnesses. We became a strong support network that was there for those who needed it. As a result, our bond of friendship is stronger, as is our appreciation for the passage of time. Tempus fugit, we might as well eat dessert first!

Reduced stress: According to the study, the society helped 59 women reduce stress or feel better about their personal situation. One woman said, “Becoming a member of the Red Hat Society allows me to escape and have fun with other people. I enjoy laughing and being silly. The once-a-month activities we do are therapy for me.”

Another participant noted, “My husband has Alzheimer’s, so I’m very lonely and isolated. I joined a chapter in a larger nearby town. . . . [They] have taught me how to laugh again, and have fun, and just be silly. I feel like I’ve regained my sanity thanks to them.”

Boosted positive emotions: Another 17 participants said the RHS offered them something to look forward to, even when things changed little. “None of the stressful areas in my life have changed, but now I have something to look forward to every month. I always leave a get-together feeling as though it’s been good for me emotionally and physically,” one woman said.

Offered opportunities for renewal: Finally, 21 participants reported the society had offered them opportunities for re-appraisal and renewal.

As one woman put it:

It has revitalized my life, given me a focus in retirement. As a result of finding ME and having positive, fun-filled playmates in this silliness, I have developed the courage to address other areas in my life that needed to be addressed to make changes for the better. . . . I am reinventing myself, thanks to the impetus of my involvement with the society’s activities and philosophy.

Getting by with a little help from my friends

According to researchers, this study highlights the potential of leisure-based social groups as life-giving resources for older women. The RHS offered participants opportunities to play and enjoy life again. Moreover, the Red Hatters drew the women into a sisterhood of caring, that fostered optimism and sparked renewed interest in life.

“I miss being part of the community,” Vivian Turner told me. “It’s not the same here.”

It was early December, and I was visiting my 87-year-old friend and her husband in their new home. They had just moved into a posh retirement residence, about 15 minutes from downtown Ottawa, Ontario.

Anne Leitch appears to share my friend’s sentiments. The 75-year-old resident of the San Francisco Bay Area (California) recently wrote to an online forum (Generations: Vol. 33, No. 2, 2009):

I live in a gated senior community with all the amenities one could dream of – workshops, handicrafts, exercise. You name it, we have it.

And yet I am longing, longing to walk to the corner coffee shop, to hear the sound of children playing, dogs barking. I want to eat at the corner café, see young people in love, walk to the library, catch the BART into the city, watch mothers with their children in the park, young families, teenies in the latest wild outfits.

Leitch misses being part of the mainstream. She opposes segregating the old. And in light of the demographic shift, she urges architects to think outside the box: “Instead of a multimillion-dollar resort where every need is met and everything is planned . . . think up something daring, something challenging, something creative.”

New options

Meanwhile, groups of feisty 70 and 80 year-old Danes are buying sites and hiring their own architects, according to architect and writer Dorit Fromm.

In the summer edition of The Journal (2009), Fromm describes Egbakken, one of more than 200 senior co-housing communities in Denmark. The community has 28 private units and a central common house.

Senior cohousing allows individuals to tailor a community for aging together. Typically, co-housing is composed of a cluster of 15 to 40 households with cars parked on the site’s periphery. Each unit contains one or two bedrooms, a bathroom and a kitchen. Generally, individual units are designed five to 15 per cent smaller than an average home.

Common facilities include a dining hall, where residents enjoy weekly dinners, which can range from potluck to gourmet. There are also meeting rooms, guest rooms and a workshop area. Residents pool resources for services such as a visiting nurse, a housekeeper to maintain the common area and a van and driver.

As Fromm notes, “While there can be financial advantages to sharing amenities and the cost for care, the bottom line is that it is all about creating a better day-to-day life for people.”

Affordable housing

Back in Ottawa, community members are concerned by the shortage of affordable housing for older adults. The Centretown Citizens Community Association has embarked on a study of housing options in the downtown area. They are looking at shared housing, creating community and community non-profits.

Time to bring grandfathers out of the shadows.

Grandparents are playing a vital part in many families today, yet few studies have focused on the role of grandfathers.

According to Dr. Robin Mann, the significance of grandfatherhood for men has been underestimated. Mann is associate research fellow at the Oxford Institute on Ageing at Oxford University in London, England.

His study of grandfathers was published in the Journal of Aging Studies (Vol. 21, 2007).

AHB reached Dr. Mann in London

Ruth Dempsey: Grands today can be in their 40s and 50s. This is a long time to grandparent.

Robin Mann: It’s true, on average, people spend more years as grandparents today. Clearly, longer life expectancy is one of the main reasons. The good news is grandparents have more opportunities to develop relationships with grandchildren as they reach their teens and early adulthood. The flipside for western societies is that delaying childbirth into the mid-30s means the transition takes place much later in life.

There is also considerable difference in how people experience grandparenting. In Britain, for example, working class women are four times more likely to become a grandparent before their 50th birthday than middle class women. So younger grandparents tend to be poorer. They are likely to have the added pressure of balancing
grandparenting with paid employment and caring for an elderly parent. In fact, the image of the grandparent leisurely spending time with grandchildren in retirement is a privileged one.

Today, there is no one story. The experience of grandparenthood has become polarized.

RD: Why so little research on grandfathers?

RM: I suppose the obvious reason is that the family is seen as a female domain with grandmothers, or “mum”, occupying the central position. So, to some extent it’s been assumed that what grandfathers do is defined by grandmothers.

But it’s not simply a case of ignoring grandfathers. Men are usually older than their spouses and older men are more likely to spend time away from the family. Men also have lower life expectancies. So for many grandchildren, grandfathers were simply not in their lives to the same extent.

But this is changing. We have stories of grandfathers today who are highly involved with their grandchildren, but who can’t remember ever having a conversation with their own grandfathers. These men remember their grandfathers as authoritarian figures.

It’s interesting. When I started investigating grandfathers many people asked me why I was looking solely at grandfathers and not looking at grandmothers. There is a big danger in implying that men are excluded!

RD: Paternal grandparents are less involved in grandparenting than maternal grandparents. Is that right?

RM: Many studies have found that children have stronger bonds to grandparents on their mother’s side. This can be particularly acute in families where there has been a divorce. The father’s parents can lose contact altogether.

One interesting explanation offered by evolutionary psychologists is that women are always related by maternity, whereas men can never be certain they are the biological fathers to their children. This could mean maternal grandparents are more likely to go that extra mile for their children.

But there are also cultural and economic factors. For example, bonds to paternal grandparents are stronger in rural farm families. This is also true for south Asian families.

RD: Young children perceive grandmothers to be more involved in their lives . . .

RM: I think it’s possible to identify different phases in the grandparent-grandchild relationship. With very young grandchildren, contact is more likely to be mediated by parents and their child care and support needs. At this point, grandfathers often have a playful and fun-loving role.

As children reach their teens, grandparents see their grandchildren less often. But relationships can still remain as close emotionally. Older grandchildren also give back. If they live nearby, they visit their grandparents, drive them around and take them out to dinner perhaps. At this stage, we found that grandfathers can play a very important role in guiding and mentoring their grandsons.

RD: Today grandfathers want to build strong bonds with grandchildren. Can you give me an example?

RM: They like to involve grandchildren in family history and stories of the past. For example, grandfathers like to share family photos and sing songs. They like telling stories they may have told to their own children and those they may have even heard themselves, as children.

I think it’s about the human need to understand our roots. Perhaps we find some reassurance about our own mortality – the continuity of time and the continuity of our world – in the lives of our grandchildren.

RD: What types of activities do they enjoy with grandchildren? Is there a difference between older and younger grandfathers?

RM: Grandfathers create bonds with grandchildren by sharing activities and special interests. In our study, this included a variety of things like:

Younger grandfathers will benefit from having been more “hands-on” as fathers. But they are also more likely to be working. So they may spend less time with their grandchildren than older grandfathers, who are retired.

RD: What about your own grandfathers? Can you share some memories?

RM: I have very fond memories of my grandfathers. I have less memory of my maternal grandfather as he died when I was quite young. But I have very fond memories of “grampy”, my father’s father. My memories of him are gardening, cricket, the Second World War, smoking a pipe, going to the pub to shoot some pool. He wasn’t so much of a storyteller, but he was fun and loved playing games (competitively!).

SMART APARTMENTS: Today, the population of most developed societies is greying.

In Ottawa, the number of people aged 65 or more is set to double over the next 20 years. Health officials are looking for ways to help older adults live independently at home.

They hope “smart” apartments will be a big part of the solution.

The Elizabeth Bruyère Health Centre and Carleton’s University’s faculty of engineering
have been working on a prototype smart apartment at Elizabeth Bruyère for about five years.

The prototype is a one-bedroom apartment with a living room and kitchen. Everything in the apartment – bed, couch, fridge and bathroom – is wired and fitted with hidden sensors. Sensors track resident’s sleeping and breathing patterns, muscle strength and whether the fridge door is opened or closed. Fibre-optic pressure mats embedded in floors monitor mobility. At night, bedroom sensors light a path to the bathroom so the resident doesn’t trip on an object and fall.

There are no cameras and no pictures. Only data images are recorded.

“The beauty of smart-room technology is that it is unobtrusive,” said Rafik Goubran, dean of the faculty of engineering and design at Carleton University. “You don’t see it, but it is there to make sure you are safe.”

Dr. Frank Knoefel, vice-president of medical affairs at Elizabeth Bruyère, says that he hopes some of the smart-room technology products will be ready for commercial use in five years. Source: Ottawa Citizen.

 

MOVING ON FROM COPENHAGEN: After the disappointment of the climate change conference in Copenhagen last December, it was time for reflection.

Mike Hulme’s recent book Why We Disagree About Climate Change (Cambridge University Press) offers us a way to kick-start the conversation.

Drawing on three decades as an international climate scientist, Hulme rejects both the language of “imminent peril” and a single action blueprint for the world.

In 10 illuminating chapters, he explores the history and the social meanings of climate change. He shows how our beliefs, hopes and fears and the ways we are governed shape our different attitudes to the question – and make it difficult for us to agree about climate change.

This rare book emphasizes broad issues:

The Economist included Why We Disagree About Climate Change among its top book picks for 2009.

 

MEDICAL NUGGETS: Want to boost your medical literacy? Check out the Therapeutics Initiative at the University of British Columbia. Established in 1994, this group does independent assessments of the effectiveness and safety of drugs. The Therapeutics Letter offers information on a wide range of issues.

 

OPTIMUM WORKFORCE NEEDS OLDER WORKERS: According to a new study, the optimum workforce is made up of a mix of older and younger workers. And researchers say it’s time to ditch the stereotypes.

Gary Charness, an economics professor at the University of California (Santa Barbara) and Marie-Claire Villeval of the University of Lyon have found older workers are no more risk adverse than younger workers and are typically more cooperative.

The study compared how “seniors” over age 50 and “juniors” under 30 behaved during a series of on-site experimental games and tasks. Participants were drawn from two large firms.

Mixed aged groups outperformed homogenous groups in the study.

Researchers say employers may need to think about new ways to motivate and retain older workers. Source: The New York Times Magazine.

In this January / February 2010 Issue

• Interview: The Art of Self-Cultivation

• Study: Lipstick, Always Lipstick

• Notable Book: The Creative Habit

• Interview: The Raging Grannies’ Cheeky Protests for a Better World

Roundup:

• Charles Darwin And The Arts

• Talking Watches And Other Doodads

• Celebrating Daphne Odjig

• Travel Tips